It remains one of my favorite moments doing talk radio.
And it never even got on the air.
A year or so ago, while guest hosting during afternoon drive on the Delaware station where I exercise most of my mischief, I was, memory serves, talking about Trump, his "campaign", his shortcomings, his screamingly obvious character flaws...you know, the usual.
And even all these months later, I'm sure I was talking about my continued bewilderment that people who seemed reasonable and possessed of common sense, let alone any sense of common courtesy or decency, could still, even at that early, pre-proof is in the puddin' or Oval Office, as the case may be, stage of the scenario either not see, or see and refuse to admit to, the aforementioned shortcomings, screamingly obvious character flaws...you know, the usual.
I'm sure that's the point I was spending afternoon drive time driving home because of the call that came in.
That one that never even got on the air.
As I took advantage of a four minute commercial break to walk down the hallway and visit the powder room, I passed by the main desk where my producer/call screener had been busy producing and call screening. He put on an impish grin/smirk as I approached and said, "you're gonna love this."
Successfully hooked by that bit of banter bait, I stopped and replied, "okay."
"A lady just called," he went on, "told me that she didn't want to be put on the air..."
One of the fun comedic ironies of the talk radio biz, by the way...people who call a live talk radio show to express an opinion but don't want other people to hear their opinion...
"...but," my colleague continued, " she said for me to tell you....'you tell that guy you got on the air there right now that he thinks we don't know that he's calling us stupid....but you tell him that we know he's calling us stupid...".
Because her phone call never got past the 'you tell him' and then hang up phase, none of the usual pre-on air info was acquired, like who she was or where she was calling from....."..and now, let's go to Ethel who's calling in from Ferdville, this afternoon...", etc.
So, I don't, and will never, know who she was.
But I've got a pretty good idea where she was calling from.
Not that I'm all that clairvoyant, it's simply that the listening area of this particular radio station is, give or take a little spill over into Jersey, primarily the state of Delaware. And Delaware only has three counties.
And only one of those counties is redder than the red red robin when the red red robin comes bob bob bobbin along.
So, my predisposition for profound perception notwithstanding, it was a pretty obvious number on which to stack my chips.
But the where isn't so much the point. It's the what she said about what it was that she wanted him to tell me.
That business about "he thinks we don't know he's calling us stupid, but you tell him we know he's calling us stupid."
First, I wondered, then, as I wonder now, just who this "we" was.
All due respect to the fine citizens of Red Red Robin County. most people who are calling or visit talk radio on behalf of a group or organization are ready, willing and able to be identified. Individuals, on the other hand, who want to stand up and be counted, but fall back on the use of the pronoun "we" are generally in need of some subconscious dependence on the strength to be found only in numbers.
Unless, of course, there were, like, a couple of hundred offended people hanging there with her, listening and she drew the short straw, or something, when it came time to call in and express their displeasure.
Probably not.
Either way, I was disappointed that I never got the chance to chat with her.
Probably because, although I'm confident that I would have maintained some level of courtesy and/or politeness in our conversation, I would have found some way to give her, at the very least, props for her perception, awareness and savvy, in so far as her read on my rhetoric was concerned.
Yes, Virginia, I was calling you stupid.
But, to my credit, I was attempting to exercise plan B when it comes to the rules of engagement I was taught as a child.
Plan A, of course, being "if you don't have anything nice to say,", etc, etc,.
The problem with Plan A, as it applies to talk radio, though, is that if you adhere, on talk radio, to the premise of not saying anything if you don't have anything nice to say, then there is very little or no talk likely to take place on talk radio.
Plan B, on the other hand, provides a certain cover and, if properly executed, just enough plausible deniability to wiggle out when and if wiggling out is indicated.
For further information and a master's degree level instruction on the art of insulting people and their intelligence to their face while cloaking it in either satirical gobbledygook or some hilarious attempt at feigning interest in the greater good, I would refer you to any thing coming out of the mouth of the current President of the United States.
Meanwhile, back to the lady who wanted me to know that they knew.
I know, right?.
Which brings me ever so verbosely around to the primary reason for this piece, in the first place.
Name calling.
It's disingenuous as all get out to offer that I've never called anyone stupid on the air.
Then again, disingenuous is the new "flat out lyin' to your face, motherfucker..", right?
So let me say that I've never called anyone stupid on the air.
A lot of people are saying that I've called them stupid on the air. A lot of terrific, terrific people. People who tell me I'm doing a great job. Terrific people. Just terrific.
At least that couple of hundred people hanging out and listening with that lady who drew the short straw when it was time to call and tell my producer/call screener that "they" knew I was calling 'them" stupid.
See, I don't call people names.
First, it's disingenuous. We covered that, right?
Second, I've always found it to be poorly veiled laziness. Five year olds have no particular vocabulary or ability to drape their diss in phrase, so, it's them doing their best when they fire off a healthy "...oh, yeah?.....wel.....you're.....you're just stupid......".
Anybody over five who reverts to name calling, meanwhile, is just not sincere about wanting to engage.
Nor capable, for that matter.
Which brings me around to a few of the names, in particular, being called these days.
Libtard.
Libturd. The, of course, stunningly clever and witty amalgamation of philanthropic proclivities and piles of pompous poop.
Bwa to the ha to the ha.
And, no doubt about it, the real S word that more than bumps shit right out of that number one slot on the ol' top ten, cats and kitties.
Snowflake.
Here's a thing, though.
All three of those very prominent and oft spat out terms, these days, originated and are mostly used by those of the conservative persuasion.
Libtard, of course, the stunningly clever and witty amalgamation of liberal and retarded.
Bwa to the ha to the shame on you. Really? Retard? Come on, even the dimmest bulb in the box knows that you never go full retard.
Libturd, we already dissected. So to speak.
Snowflake, meanwhile, is, in its own way, the most insidious, hostile, even vicious epithet in the ammo belt.
Because it takes something gentle and poignant and beautiful and all Norman Rockwelly and shit and attempts to turn it around into a poke, a stab, an assault on our gentleness, a slam on our sweetness, a kick in our kindnesses to one another.
Americans do that a lot, by the way. Simple logic would dictate that if you wanted to verbally denigrate somebody, you'd go for the more monstrous, say, "you big, overgrown ogre of a bully".
Nope. Nothing seems to pack more punch than lightening it up.
"You fairy..."
Yes, of course, that's an unveiled slash at a sexuality but, still, don't you think "you big, overgrown ogre of a buttfucking bitch" would carry more weight in the dressing down?
Apparently not.
And let's not forget that he or she who first used the word derisively and those who now lash out with it , weren't aware of what they perceived to be the very clever irony of calling someone a "snowflake".
See, snowflakes are gentle and lovely and peaceful and I'm calling you that because it's an absolutely, screamingly sarcastic reference to the fact that your point of view contains gentleness and loveliness and peacefulness and that means you're weak and timid and you got no spine and you got no balls and I can't stand anymore of your candy ass blather about feeding the hungry or housing the homeless...and NO MORE of your dumb shit liberal dumb shit about finding a balance between gender and sexuality issues that are a paradox in the discussions of our humanity and our morality and we just need more fucking missiles and destroyers and aircraft fucking carriers....don't you GET IT?........SNOWFLAKE???"
Yeah.
Turns out, actually we do.
"....you tell that guy you got on the air there right now that he thinks we don't know that he's calling us stupid....but you tell him that we know he's calling us stupid..."
Ma'am....I never doubted for a minute that you knew exactly what I meant.
Or what I mean right now.
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