I'm Scott Edward Phelps. Some of you may know me from my assorted talk radio shows, political and infotainment podcasts or, perhaps, you've checked out my various logs, blogs, like this one, and enterprises at the website I only plug every time the opportunity presents itself, sepradionetwork.com
Today, though, I'm just Scott Edward Phelps, citizen, father, grandfather and enthusiastic spreader of seasonal cheer, with a little holiday message from me and mine to you and yours.
There's a remarkably high statistical possibility that you, or some one you know and/or love, is going to get sliced, diced, conked, bonked or boinged big time before the Christmas season is in the books for this year.
Let's share some stats, together, shall we?
The Consumer Product Safety Commission, tracking just 100 hospitals, of the almost 6000 hospitals that are officially registered in the United States , reported that between the years 2011 and 2015, over 1,700 people suffered, to extents ranging from minor to fatal, injuries documented as Christmas related.
Keep in mind, this is only 100 hospitals out of almost 6000 and doesn't even account for injuries suffered that weren't treated, so, weren't reported.
At the moment, by the way, probably because I know where this discussion is heading, it feels appropriate to mention that out of that 6000 hospitals, 400, or so, of them, are psychiatric facilities.
And that number doesn't include any Federal psych treatment centers or any posh, private, seaside rehabs dazzlingly disguised as resorts where poignantly plagued young performers like Demi Lovato are dueling with demons that, traditionally, didn't show up until at least early middle age and a couple of movie flops mixed with a nasty "uppers to keep working, downers to get some sleep" vicious celebrity cycle.
Over 1,700 reported injuries related to Christmas.
Clearly, for every Norman Rockwell painting affectionately portraying a family laden with brightly wrapped gifts showing up at Grandma's door, there's a Clark W. Griswold hanging desperately to an ice filled rain gutter that's about to put a serious hurtin' on Todd and Margo's state of the art sound system.
And the local E.R. is just a shot away, it's just a shot away.
The list of injury types, here, is farily predictable.
Burns, from cooking and the not-as-unusual-as-you-might-think questionable use of candles.
Head, hip and/or assorted other bone cracks or breaks from falls, from roofs, ladders, indoor or outdoor and even the occasional ill advised substitution of a swivel chair for said ladder.
Lacerations are pretty common, what with broken ornaments and Ginsu knives meant for turkey, not human, flesh lurking around every Christmas corner.
Electrical shocks, all too common when dealing with, you know, electric lights, that can be very uncomfortable, even very harmful, for us. And downright tragic for the family kitty.
And, then, of course, there are the unfortunate, but unavoidably amusing, bumps and bangs that come out of the seasonal silly willy folder.
58 people each year are injured using a sharp knife instead of a screwdriver.
31 people have died watering their Christmas tree while the lights were plugged in and on. Again, I would refer you to the holiday favorite Perry Mason tale, Case of the Fried Feline.
19 people in the last three years have died believing that one Christmas decoration or another was chocolate
Over a hundred people each year are injured by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
And, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus...God is great, beer is good and people are crazy...and 3 of them die each year testing to see if a 9V battery works by placing the contacts on their tongue.
But, injury and tragedy and not just a little gut busting laughter aside, the purpose of my sharing with you today isn't actually so much about holiday injuries and how to avoid them.
It's actually about three lesser known, but increasingly more common, this-time-of-the-year traumas and how and, so much more importantly, why they can be avoided.
The way more naughty than nice list of those three coming up momentarily.
First, though, a little cause and effect conversation.
Took about ten seconds, right at the very beginning of my first thing in the morning scroll through the unwieldy wacky wonderland of social media, before I came across the first inevitable, predictable daily, sometimes hourly, stand up and be counted for Jesus sharing that, again, inevitably and predictably, takes flight this time of year like Rudolph and the boys had been sniffing benzene just before take off.
"Don't tell me", the passionate poster passionately posts, " I have to say 'Happy Holidays' so that nobody gets offended. I'm gonna 'Merry Christmas' the heck out of you."
And, big finish, passionate poster....
"Remember...the Reason for the Season."
Okay. First, with all due respect, an admittedly minor nit to pick.
The capital letters you used there on the words "Reason" and "Season" are, one assumes, intentional. And, again, only assuming, that indicates your position is that the whole phrase, in general, is to be seen in an "official proclamation" sort of spotlight. Okay. Me, I'm inclined to think that it can too easily be interpreted as shouting, as in the usual usage of capital letters in online posting. It generally means shouting.
As in, hi, how are you, listen, I'M GONNA MERRY CHRISTMAS THE HECK OUT OF YOU.
Like that.
And when you shout at people, you run the risk of them turning a deaf ear to whatever you're saying, whatever else you intend to say and/or whatever they actually heard you say before the shouting was replaced by an annoying ringing in their ears.
Tinnitus. Not known to be an effective means of persuading people to see, or hear, as the case may be, things your way.
Of course, I haven't done the due diligence and it's entirely possible that the phrase "Reason for the Season" has been trademarked or copyrighted, so, if that's the case, then you're just doing your due diligence by honoring said trademark and/or copyright.
So, WELL DONE.
Okay, now, here's the main thing.
And I can't, and won't, speak for you and whatever experiences you may, or may not, have had in recent holiday seasons, so I'll just offer up the 411 on my personal P.O.V. and let the reindeer chips fall where they may.
I've never told anyone they have to say "Happy Holidays" so that nobody gets offended.
I've never been told by anyone that I have to say "Happy Holidays" so that nobody gets offended.
I don't know a single, solitary soul on this planet and/or visible to me in this particular space/time continuum who has ever told anyone, or been told by anyone, that they have to say "Happy Holidays" so that nobody gets offended.
Various variations and specific examples of comments, conversations, discussions, etc are readily available for inclusion here but they could, and would, pretty much go on forever and they would do nothing but turn into an annoying ringing in the ears because they would be nothing more than saying the same thing over and over and over...and over.
I've never told anyone, been told by anyone, or come into personal contact with anyone, who has told anyone, or been told by anyone, that I, we and/or they have to say "Happy Holidays" so that nobody gets offended.
Now before you rise up even higher from your already admirable stand up for Jesus posture, let me save you some wear and tear on the knee hinges.
I'm sure there are people who have told other people and or been told by other people....well, you get the idea.
But over 58 people are injured every year using a sharp knife instead of a screwdriver...and 3 people die every year testing a 9v battery with their tongue.
So, if the foundation of your argument is actually that there are really stupid people in the world, then, I'm gonna go ahead and concede that point to you.
And along with stupid, let's be ho ho honest and include rude, crude, insensitive, hysterical, obnoxious, sexist, racist....oh, you know what, it's Christmas. And we don't need to remind ourselves, or each other, that the human being, by its nature, is more flawed than that 7000 Christmas lights on a single string for only 99 cents that you and I both know a lot of people are going to scarf up, take home, plug in....and start counting down to kitty fricassee.
Let me put a little gold foil wrap up on all of this for you.
The aforementioned three lesser known, but increasingly more common, holiday season injuries are:
1) Neck strain from repeated back and forth shaking of the head.
2) Ocular muscle strain from repeated attempts to minimize eye rolling.
3) Exhaustion. More mental than physical.
All three resulting from the stresses and strains of trying to convince far too many people that:
Nobody is going to make Islam the official religion of the United States of America.
Nobody is going to stand idly by while tens of thousands of those brown skinned plunderers and rapists and murderers come pouring into America by the tens of thousands to plunder and rape and murder you or yours or mine or theirs.
Nobody is going to come and take your guns away from you.
Nobody is declaring "war on Christmas". (the aforementioned stupid, rude, crude, etc, notwithstanding)
Nobody is going to lock you, or your kids, or their kids, or anyone or their kids, or their kids, up because you say Merry Christmas.
And, with all due respect ("...and, remember, I said with all due respect..."), the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ being the Reason for the Season (trademark/copyrighted/capital letters and all) gets no argument from me or any other reasonable and reasonably intelligent person in this particular space/time continuum.
But I'd offer that, for a lot of us, peace, love, compassion, caring, maybe even just plain old being decent to one another for no other reason than its the right thing to do.... for more than a day or two or the month of December totally qualifies as being "reasons for the season" (lower case, good for all occasions).
Old saying in Tennessee having to do with the pettiness which we all tend to, too often, let get the best of us.
"...That's picking fly poop outta pepper..."
As I have shared often, for a long time, on my assorted talk radio shows, political and infotainment podcasts , my various logs, blogs, like this one, and enterprises at the website I only plug every time the opportunity presents itself, sepradionetwork.com....
This time of year is not "either/or".
It's "and"
It's not Happy Hanukkah or Happy Kwanzaa or Feliz Navidad or Joyeux Noel.
It's Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwanzaa and Feliz Navidad and Joyeux Noel.
And it's not Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas.
It's Happy Holidays.
And...
Merry Christmas.
UPPER CASE, lower case, whatever the case may be.
In fact, in this case, you just go ahead and capital letter the heck out of it, okay?
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Although...you don't have to shout.
Unless, of course, your happy holidays include a trip to the mountain.
To go and tell it.
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